Gang of Urkels

Meagan Maguire

 

Last year I was walking home from the bar when I heard a rustling in the bushes. A Gang of Urkels jumped out and robbed me. They were terribly rough. Even though their arms were feeble, I was very injured. One Urkel stuffed my Social Security card down his high-waisted pants. Another grabbed my license and slipped it into his suspender clip. The Gang of Urkels stole my identity! But instead of them becoming me, I became an Urkel.

Because I am now an Urkel, all my jokes have curdled and my voice has retreated up my nose. My posture is terrible and my pants creep higher every day. I weep with whiny anguish as I try to pull my pants down. It is futile. They always creep back up.

I burst into lovely suburban homes and terrorize the occupants with my zany antics and exploits. I invented something that turns a vacuum cleaner into a portable oven and I do not know why!

I burn down houses and ask the cops “Did I do that? Did I do that?” The cops punch me in my thick eyeglasses. One cop is named Carl. Me and the other Urkels get together and try to get Carl to love us. Carl never will.

I cannot help myself! I scoured the city looking for the nicest girl named Laura I could find. Now I stalk her with a rabid avidity. I stand outside Nice Laura’s apartment and scream “I’m wearing you down baby! I’m wearing you down!” My mailbox is filled with restraining orders. Her mailbox is filled with letters I write in my dorky blood.

Today I got especially tired of being an Urkel. I got tired of coming home at night and tripping over each piece of furniture one by one. I got tired of marking my entrances with perfect comedic timing. I decided to drink a mysterious substance called “Cool Juice” that I purchased from another Urkel.

The other Urkel ripped me off. I turned into Myra Monkhouse! Now I chase after the Gang of Urkels, demanding their love!